Jokes

Puns:

Q. Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean? A. Because he knew there was something fishy about it.

Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible? A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.

Q. How does Moses make his coffee? A. Hebrews it.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents? A. Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).

Jokes:

God’s Nickel:

Back in the days when you could still buy an ice cream cone for a nickel, there was a little boy who lived in a small town with his grandmother. Every Sunday the grandmother took the boy to church and after they would go downtown for a special treat—an ice cream cone. One Sunday grandmother was not feeling well, and she told the boy that he would have to go to church by himself. Before he left she gave him two nickels—one for the offering plate and one for an ice cream after church.

Now it happened that the boy needed to cross an old wooden bridge in order to get to church. As he was crossing the old bridge, he began jumping up and down, as boys will do, making the bridge shake and sway. His sharp ears picked up a small thunk, and he looked down just in time to see one of the nickels his grandmother had given him roll into a small crack on the bridge. The little boy fell down on all fours and put his eye to the crack. He watched helplessly as the nickel fell into the river below.

Standing up and dusting off his knees, he said to no one in particular, “Oh, well. There goes God’s nickel.”

Where to Take It from Here…

Often when we’re low on money, it’s God who doesn’t get his share. If we run out of time, then God waits in vain for us to be with him. If we run out of energy, then God’s work suffers.

Jesus turned those kinds of priorities upside down when he said, “Seek first the Kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added unto you” (Matthew 6:33). If you will give God the first and best of all that you have, then God will bless you with all that you need and more!

Taxi Driver in Heaven:

A pastor and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

‘Come with me’, said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.

‘Wow, thank you’, said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the pastor to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

‘Wait, I think you are a little mixed up’, said the pastor. ‘Shouldn’t I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a pastor, went to church every day, and preached God’s word.’

‘Yes, that’s true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.’ (citation)

Pearly Gate’s Story:

A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates. St. Peter says, “Here’s how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you’ve done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in.”

“Okay,” the man says, “I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart.”

“That’s wonderful,” says St. Peter, “that’s worth three points!”

“Three points?” he says. “Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service.”

“Terrific!” says St. Peter, “that’s certainly worth a point.”

“One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans.”

“Fantastic, that’s good for two more points,” he says.

“TWO POINTS!!” the man cries, “At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!”

“Come on in!” (citation)

 

 

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